When the Internet Calls You Teef Keef and Teef Sweat, You Lost

A couple of days ago, a picture started spreading around Instagram of a dude and his baby girl (who was around 2 years old). Folks said she had been kidnapped and asked for everyone to pass on the picture, in case anyone has seen her. Well, it turns out that the dude had faked her kidnapping because he got into a fight with his daughter’s mother. Chile… this is when Instagram went IN.

The picture of the dude with his daughter already made folks side-eye just because he had one feature that REALLY stood out: his teeth. They were veneers gone WRONG. So the minute the good and ratchet folks of IG found out he wasn’t some noble father concerned about his daughter but a bitter and scorned sperm donor, people let him have it. Look at this pic:

Teef Keef

This man has now been renamed “Teef Keef” by the internets and I AM HOLLERING! He’s also been called “Teef Sweat.” Miss Zindzi said “that man got a mouth full of iPhones” and I fell out then too. Those are clearly Samsung Galaxy S3s. This is what happens when your dentist is a “yes” man. You go in for veneers and he drops refrigerators in your mouth, leaving you outchea looking extra bogus.

But the best thing to come out of this new meme is the comment below, which is the caption that an Instagrammer with the name @SoSayGottaChill used for the picture above. I laughed so hard I almost choked on saliva.

Oh Lord I come to u this morning thanking u for allowing me to see another day Oh Lord but its something in my heart Oh Lord…there is a bigger problem Oh Lord ands it’s his teef Oh Lord…I know they not real Oh Lord I know he spent a check on em Oh Lord but did they run out of medium teef Oh Lord did he have to get the XXL White Tee Teef Oh Lord…they told him he would grow into the teef Oh Lord they told him don’t sneeze with ya mouf open cuz ya teef might stab u in the chest Oh Lord the installed a row of IPhone wall chargers in his mouf Oh Lord…they called him Teef Keef Oh Lord…EMan eem said give it up for Teef Sweat Oh Lord….the man could bite a piece of bread and make a doughnut Oh Lord…the boy teef look like blank dominoes Oh Lord…his teef got WiFi Oh Lord….we don’t eem know if he got a bottom row Oh Lord…the nig got the same mouf that fish had in Shark Tales Oh Lord…he look like the dog off The Mask Oh Lord…his teef are The Last Dragon Oh Lord…if he took a bite out of crime it would be a peaceful world Oh Lord…his teef look like kilos of cocaine Oh Lord…his teef got roadside assistance Oh Lord…his teef come with free nights and weekends Oh Lord….in Jesus Name We Pray…A TEEF…I mean AMEN Oh Lord.

i Quit Ocean gif

I AM DONE! That shadeful prayer had the old, present and new me dead and ALL the way gone. IT is full of so much shade and so much hilarity that I didn’t e’em finish one laugh before another came from the depths of my soul! He said his teeth got roadside assistance! I AM SO UNABLE!!! LMAOOOOO!!!

But yeah. The moral of this story is, don’t lie about such things as kidnappings because when folks find out the truth, they won’t like it. Also, get veneers in the size of NORMAL teeth. Outchea rocking fake teeth made for Goliath when you’re David.

So did you all fall out too at that comment like I did? I’ve read it about 5 times and I cannot stop laughing.

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Dysfonctionnement de Garde-robe

Many of you know I’m in Paris at the moment. The city of decadent cuisine, stunning architecture, and of course, impossibly beautiful and fashionable people.

Women are always perfectly put-together from head to toe, and frankly, so are most men. An entire city has its act together.

And then there’s me.

Yesterday my husband and I walked a few square miles of the city and needed to rest.

We grabbed some coffee at a café and sat outdoors to watch Paris do what it does. My feet were killing me, so I pulled up a second chair, turned sideways and stretched my legs across it.

After about 15 minutes of people-watching, and people watching me, I felt a draft in an unusual place.

I looked down to find that while the top button of my pants was secure, my fly was completely unzipped. Say it with me: Compleeeeetely unziiiiiiiped. And because I was seated and bent at the waist, this created a giant peephole for the sideshow that was my underwear.

Keepin’ it classy, Kathy. Keepin’ it classy.

If I had any hopes of taking style tips from the French, I’m pretty sure it would start with fastening things that need to be fastened, especially relative to the région de crotch.

I’m sorry I offended you, Paris. But I know you still love me. You already said so!

Kathy Shop 2

Kathy Shop 1

Morgan Freeman Takes an Extended Blink (Nap) on Live TV

Sometimes, you’re in a meeting, sitting across someone at dinner or even on live TV and you notice your eyes getting heavy. And they start closing themselves and your head bobs. And the more you fight this, the heavier your lids get and the longer each blink you take lasts.

Morgan Freeman found himself in the same predicament the other day as he was promoting his latest movie with Michael Caine. Just watch on Q13 Fox’s site (I had the vid embedded here originally but it was autoplaying. BOOOO!)

morgan freeman asleep

Morgan TKO’ed.

HA! My dude was SO unable to fight the power of the strong nap that was descending upon him like a plague. That “I can’t do nothing to stop it” struggle is SO REAL and I feel you, Morgan! Morgan musta been TAH’D so don’t come for Morgan when he ain’t send for you, though.

If you were as old as he is, you’d fall asleep at random places too. If you were Jesus’ locker partner in the 3rd grade, surely your soul would be weary. Y’all know Morgan was God’s intern. That’s why he played Him so well. Bless his heart. I bet he got in the limo right after this and conked out like a G.

It’s happened to me more than a couple of times and chile… it’s like your body just says “I cannot. I must do this for us.” And you just knock out.

sleeping patrick gif

The times when I’ve been out and fell asleep at the table, as long as I wasn’t snoring or creating a drool puddle, I try to play it off. I be outchea tryna act like I was just checking out my nails. I’m a mess. Or when folks notice your head has been down for a while, you wake up, say “AMEN!” and look back up. Ain’t nobody gon check you for saying a prayer. HA!

So have you ever fallen asleep in public? What did you do to play it off? Did you even try?

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The GIF Debate: Is It GIF or JIF?

You know those moving pics I have in my blogposts? Yes, the ones that look like the Harry Potter movie come to life. Those are called GIFs (which stands for Graphics Interchange Format) and I have a folder with over 1,400 of them. I’m talmbout this:

Twerk Team gif 2

There is ALWAYS an excuse for a twerk team GIF.

The interwebs has been having an ongoing debate on how it’s pronounced for YEARS. Some people say it with a hard “G” and some (like me) say it with the soft “G” à la “Jif” like the peanut butter. I think “jif” sounds better.

Wells yesterday, the NYTimes published a story about an interview with George Wilhite, the creator of the GIF and at the end, they asked him how to pronounce it and he said.

“The Oxford English Dictionary accepts both pronunciations. They are wrong. It is a soft ‘G,’ pronounced ‘jif.’ End of story.”

gif or jif

BOOM! IN YOUR FACE HARD ‘G’ PEOPLE! *jigs* It’s “JIF,” snitches!!! I’ont curr if it reminds us all of the peanut butter. PEANUT BUTTER IS DELICIOUS!

And you’re probably saying “how can the G be soft when it stands for ‘graphics?’”When has the English language followed logic 100%? WHEN?!? Through and Though and rough are all pronounced differently for no reason. EXPLAIN THAT!

I’ma call it JIF forever! *pelvic thrusts*

IDGAF Janelle gif

I’ont care I’m soft JIFFing on you!

So… how do YOU pronounce it?

And I fully expect World War GIF to break out in my comments because this is a controversial issue that we all have feelings about. By “all” I mean those of us who be on Tumblr ALLATAHM. Discuss!

Soft G Hard G gif

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8 Reasons Why I Can’t Be a Fashion or Beauty Blogger

If this blogging game was high school, fashion and beauty bloggers would be the jocks. They’re the cool kids who people flock to, and they’re totally hot. They get a lot of perks and people just can’t help but stare at them because they make anything look good. I don’t know what humor bloggers would be considered but we’re probably the kids standing against lockers cutting class and making fun of everyone. Yes. That fits.

Anywho, although I have a shoe blog, I couldn’t do what fashion and beauty bloggers do. For many reasons. Some are below.

Reasons Why I Cannot Be a Fashion or Beauty Blogger

I’m not a fashionista – I have my own style but I don’t claim to be a fashionista. I do rock clothes that look good on me and I know what silhouettes flatter my little shape (Structured. Pencil. A-line. Nothing too flowy because I’m little and it will swallow me). Too bad they’re all the same outfits over and over again, just different colors. My uniform is jeans, a tank, a tailored blazer and fierce shoes. Now picture that in any combination of colors. That is me by default.

Luvvie Blazers

The same outfit. In 3 different colors.

If I was to have a fashion blog, people would throw tomatoes at me for being a walking cartoon (like how Bart Simpson’s closet is nothing but the same tshirt and shorts).

I don’t wear makeup often enough – My idea of makeup on a regular day is lipgloss and lotion on my face. TA-DA! If it’s not a special occasion like the Academy Awards, Red Pump’s fashion show or me meeting Idris Elba (one day, LAWD!), I’m barefaced. I’ve even been on TV with nothing but lipgloss on. Chile… I’d be the worst beauty blogger, taking pictures with dark circles under my eyes while rocking lipstick. That brings me to the next reason.

I’m ok with seeing bad pictures of myself – Life becomes less stressful when you get used to seeing yourself looking busted in pictures. Really and truly. There are countless pictures of me looking like struggle out there now, because of all the conferences I go to. One day, I saw a particularly bad one and shrugged my shoulders and went “oh well.” I looked like someone punched me in the face and caught me by surprise. What do you do? Not a damb thing. Beauty bloggers be looking FIERCE allatahm. That’s a lotta pressure I’m not willing to live up to. I wanna be able to be ugly in peace. I be all:

All-the-DambsText

My life is too boring for outfits of the day posts – Seriously, I don’t go places often. Yes, I travel a decent amount but when I’m in Chicago, I become a hermit. So I don’t really be going nowhere. I couldn’t do outfits of the day posts unless my outfits are my various pajamas. Monday, I’d post up my pajamas with the purple hearts. Tuesday, I might need to post up the same PJs because I’m still rocking them. Wednesday, I’d switch it up to the yellow and pink flannel PJs. And then Thursday, you’ll see me in the gray sweatpants. Friday, I might throw on jeans with chucks. Because I had to run to Walgreens right quick. And then twice a month when I’m out of town and in actual clothes, I’ll forget to take pictures of my outfit and just put up a post describing what I had on talmbout “I was kinda cute. Trust me on it.” Yeah, I’d be the worst fashion blogger ever.

I’m not a great poser – I feel like to be a fashion blogger, you have to know how to pose. I only have 2 poses: me holding up the peace sign and me with my hands on my hip. Yes, I have the photo-taking skills of a 7-year old. Or a rapper from the early 90s. I be in pictures like:

CartoonLuvvieBlazer

 

Bloggers be posing with their legs crossed while standing up, looking away, and just looking downright unimpressed that the camera is there. I tried the leg crossing thing once and almost face-planted. But then I tried it again and I MIGHT have it. As long as I’m holding on to something. Either way, I will stay in my lane. Related:

I tire of selfies quick – There is actually a limit to how many times I want to see myself up close making random faces to a camera in a time period.

selfie gif

I think this automatically takes me out the fashion and beauty blogger running. By the time I take the 3rd picture of my face from a different angle, I’m ready to apologize to my phone or camera for wasting its time.

I suck at painting my own nails – A lot of beauty bloggers do nail polish swatches and I envy them for their skill in painting their nails so well. The pictures look flawless, like their favorite Vietnamese manicurist makes house calls every day to hook them up. Me? I’m pretty terrible at nail painting. Since I’m right-handed, my left hand will look semi-decent, but my right hand will look like a work of abstract art. Nail polish be everywhere but on my actual nail beds.

Nail Fail2

Nail FAIL. 

The few times I can focus enough to even get it done, I smear it within 3 minutes. Without fail. No one wants to see a picture of that. Or a tutorial called “How to have the worst looking nails ever. Every time.” Not nobody. Also, I go months without manicures sometimes. Unless my beauty blog will be called “The Cuticled Chronicles” it will be a complete mess.

Fashion Week is my Kryptonite – I’ve been to fashion week a couple of times with Afrobella. Usually, I just go to do hoodrat things with my friends. But every time I go, I walk away with confirmation that it might not be for me. Like September 2012′s fashion week. We were at the Mercedes Benz Center and I had passes to go to a couple of shows. What I did instead was sit in the garden at the back and take a nap. I’m really not kidding. I put my feet up on the table and found a throw pillow on one of the nice chairs and hollered at a 30 minute extended blink. It was awesome. And I preferred to do that than watch the skinnier than me models rock clothes with no expressions on their faces.

Whatever Drunk gif

But to be fair, that nap DID hit the spot though.

And a bonus reason: I can’t detect undertones. My eyes aren’t as sharp as y’alls so my knowledge of color isn’t up to par. Beauty bloggers be outchea doing swatches and telling us the difference between two purple lipsticks or yellow nailpolishes, which look the exact same to me. Since MAC’s Riri Woo came out, folks been doing the side-by-side comparisons of the two. I’ve seen so many of these and they look like replicas of each other. MAC is hustling!

So yes, kudos to you fashion and beauty bloggers. Not only are they great for letting me know where I can get the cheap version of celebrity alphets, but they are great for finding the less ‘spensive dupes of high end makeup stuff.

And thanks to them for making the rest of us look bad by showing us that you can indeed look amazing everyday while standing on random sidewalks. Y’all are too fly and fancy for me! On the days when the best I can muster is a matching gray tshirt to the gray sweatpants, I look to your sites for inspiration, that one day, I will get my life together and look decent for more than 2 days at a time in one week.

Shoutout to some of my faves: Afrobella, The Fashion Bomb, The Sassy Peach, Chitown Fashionista, The Curvy Fashionista, GabiFresh, Style Pantry.

So, who are your fave style and beauty bloggers? And do they make you feel like the bum that you are? Let a G know.

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White Hat’s Back On And I’m Laid Out: Scandal Finale Recap

How does a TV show render you unable to function for three hours? Well, Scandal’s season finale did just that to me and my girls. It went off and for a good hour, we were screaming and falling out at random intervals. And I kept saying how Shonda had slayed me one GOOD time too many. I got home and was trying to write and could not because my ability to CAN had been rendered obsolete so I just went and laid my burdens down under a blanket.

It was an EXPLOSIVE finale episode and from the moment it started to the end, we were treated with gasp-worthy moments. Shonda and her writing staff hit us in the jugular for the entire hour. Let’s get into it!

Scandal finale recap

Murder Mercy – Olivia is reeling about news of Billy Chambers being the mole and the gladiators are around the OPA conference table. How is he still alive? Well, Huck says since Liv didn’t want him to kill, he outsourced the job to Charlie. “If you want someone killed right, you gotta kill them yourself.” Turns out that Charlie was talked out of it as Billy promised to use his power as the VP’s chief of staff to get him information.

New League of Goons – Cyrus, Hollis, Olivia, and Mellie are sitting in a kitchen/pantry when Liv says they need to stop Billy from blowing the whistle on Defiance. Mellie ain’t here for it so as she gets up, a voice says “SIT. DOWN. MELLIE” It’s President Ghost. This is the new League of Goons yall. Hollis says Billy gotta die. “Bang bang. Boom boom. Bye bye.” But Fitz doesn’t want them to shed blood to fix this. Sir, did you forget you killed someone? RIP Verna. Gone but not forgotten.

Assurances, Fantasies and Superpowers – The meeting ends and Mellie storms out with Cyrus after her to say Fitz wants her back. He knows damb well he ain’t here for her in the LEAST bit. Back in the kitchen, Fitz and Liv are alone and he tells her ”I’m running. I’m winning. We’re getting married and you are moving into the White House with me.” Prez Ghost is in fantasy world.

He tells Olivia to use her superpower to fix this Billy Chambers mess. They start playing tongue hockey and he stops and starts to head south. She asks him what he’s doing and he says “using MY superpower.”

Superpower Scandal 1 Superpower Scandal 2

He disappears and her eyes start twitching as he goes to search for the secrets of the universe between her thighs. OWWWWWW!!! *bodyrolls* iLIVE!

Bring Pope In – Jake meets with the Senator Whitley’s Byron (aka Phantom Goon) and is told that his newest job is to bring Olivia to him. He asks why and is told that if he doesn’t do it, someone else will and he’ll know where they stand. When the goon walks off, the girl from the bakery (‘memba her?) leaves right behind him.

Jostling James – James is on TV being interviewed about his knowledge of what’s happening between the First Lady and the President (since Ghost is Baby Ella’s godpappy). Right after, him and Cyrus are going at it because he feels like he’s being shut out of information being leaked out to press by Cy. Other press is about to report news that VP Sally is running against Fitz and he wants a direct comment. Beene seems surprised by the news.

Confronting Sally – Cyrus is in VP Sally’s yelling about how she’s supposed to be loyal to the President. She says “commandments of the Lord are being broken” in the White House and it is her obligation to offer their party an alternative candidate. Girl, shet up. You’re still butthurt bout Fitz recovering from his attempted assassination.

Gladiators Gladiate – They need to figure out how Billy Chambers for the cytron card and who helped him. She figured it’s someone who was directly affected by Defiance so she goes to see Governor Reston. David is sitting in the OPA office listening to all of it and looking shifty. Quinn is on her Baby Huck steeze and hacks into the security camera across from Reston’s mansion. Liv is impressed but Huck tells her he worries about her. “Sometimes she reminds me of me.” EEK! Then they see footage of Billy coming out of the governor’s house. David calls him and tips him off that they’re onto him. DAMBIT, LEMONY!!!

Worry Bout Yourself – Cyrus meets with Phantom Goon, who tells him “I’m handling Olivia Pope. You do your part.” Cy grabs Whitley’s Byron’s arm as he walks off and asks “what do you mean about Olivia Pope?” but gets nothing. He gets a phone call and it’s Olivia telling him Reston is who Billy’s working with. He says Fitz and Reston are meeting at that very moment. They hang up and Cyrus grabs his left arm and crumples to the floor. AW NAW!!! Beene has a heart attack! As I almost did myself!

Blackmailing Bandit – President Ghost and Reston meet and after a handshake, the Gov says he knows about Defiance. He wants to be on the President’s ticket as VP during the re-election campaign as the “unity ticket.” Reston gives him til 9am the next day or else, he will toot the horn. Ohmyword!!

Amped Up in Ambulance – Cyrus is in the ambulance making as the paramedics are trying to take his blood pressure (which is clearly sky high) and but he’s fighting them as he calls the Oval Office. Liv walks in just in time for the call and Fitz puts it on speaker. Cy wants to know what Reston said and Liv asks where he is. The grand goon says “These idiots are telling me I had a heart attack.” HA! He has no chill even while laid out.

Ambulance Cyrus 1 Ambulance Cyrus 2

Love and Heart Attack – James rushes into the hospital room and sees Cyrus sitting up in the bed, with an oxygen tube. “You bastard. Don’t you dare die on me when I’m still mad at you!” He puts his head on Cyrus’ chest and asks him if it’s true that Fitz is getting spiritual guidance about his marriage and he tells him yes. They’re so adorable and cutthroat together.

White Hat Appeal – David meets with Billy Chambers, who is asking for the Cytron card since Reston couldn’t get any incriminating info from his convo with Fitz. Lemony says he’s not really ready because those are his friends. Chambers asks if he’s the bad guy and David reminds him that he’s killed some folks. He admits to offing Wendy, Molly and Director Osbourne but he’s talmbout he had good reasons. YEAH OK, BILLY! O_O He then calls the gladiators “thugs.” I mean, he’s not wrong but they’re just my favorite thugs ever. Billy tries to appeal to David’s white hat but he’s the blackest of ALL the hats, and he tells him that handing over the card would be justice. Lemony acquiesces and slides over the card. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Show the Receipts – Liv and Fitz are in Cy’s hospital room and she advises him to pretend he’ll put Reston on the ticket but first asking him for the card. If he doesn’t have it, them Billy does and he’ll call him to get it so they’ll trace the call. Liv meets with Reston and says Fitz is interested in the “unity ticket” but they’ll need proof. Huckleberry Quinn are back at OPA listening to his line to see who he calls.

Mellie’s Epic READ - James is on TV telling his interviewer that President Ghost is seeking counseling to fix his marriage and the First Lady is being side-eyed for telling her business all up on live TV. She watches on and her face drops. Then she shows up at the hospital with flowers for Cyrus and meets Fitz there. She brought cameras to the hospital with her for show and wants her and Fitz to walk down to the lobby together to be seen and he is NOT here for it. Thus beginning the READ of the century.

“Mellie. This phase of our lives, capitalizing on public support as a definition of marriage, is over. Make no mistake. You are going to leave the White House. You’ll launch your own political career and I will back you and campaign for you and never speak of my ex-wife Mellie Grant in anything but the the most glowing of terms. And then about a year into my second term, I will go on one or two high profile dates with well-educated, age appropriate career women which will be chronicled in immaculate detail by tabloids around the globe and when word leaks six months later that I’ve been spending time with one of my oldest and dearest most trusted advisors who selflessly acted as the mouthpiece of my administration when I was lying half dead in a hospital bed. Who has always stood beside me as my friend and colleague. When it gets out that after all this time she and I have started after all this time to care for one another in a way that is no longer strictly professional, America will love her.

And let’s be honest, my relationship with Olivia is going to spark a REAL dialogue of race in this country and it is going to blow the Republican party wide open and let some light and air into places that haven’t seen change in far too long. So the party will love her. And YOU wanna be on the right side of history here. Trust me you do. If you don’t want to play along. If you leak Olivia’s name. If you refuse to go gently, well it only takes a few whispers of the word ‘racist’ for the feminist groups and the religious groups and even the Republican National Committee to turn up their noses at your stink. But I don’t want to do that, Mellie. I want to have you join me as a living, breathing monument to redemption and second chances in the America we all hope still exists.”

GAHTDAMB!!! Listen. I took the time to transcribe that EPIC ASS READ because it is worth re-reading over and over again. Fitzgerald Grant READDDD Mellie like the nonfiction section of a bookstore. He read her like Microsoft Encarta ’95. Like his name was Dr. Seuss and her life was Green Eggs and Ham. Mellie’s face was on the floor and I called someone to get a swiffer to mop that lipstick off the linoleum. THAT. WAS. THE. READ. OF. THE. CENTURY!

And the extra TEA here is that Liv came up with that plan, which he delivered in a speech for her lover to deliver to his wife. WELL DAMB! And he was so proud of himself.

Fitz Scandal Nod

Gladiators Stay Gladiating – Abby figured that there are over 20,000 possible combinations to get into the safe in Liv’s office so how was it broken into? Huck is still listening to Reston’s line when a call is placed to Billy Chambers asking for the card. They trace Billy’s location to Virginia. Got him.

Dreaming of a Goon – Cyrus, in a haze, sees Phantom Goon standing next to his bed and asks him what he means by handling Olivia. When he wakes up fully, there’s no one by his bed. Bet it wasn’t a dream, doe. And we learn his name is “Rowan.”

Wine White and WHAT?!? – Liv is at home in a divine all white ensemble, getting ready to drink her wine in peace, and talking to President Ghost. She asks him if he told Cy her plan and he says “oh he heard it.” Mmhmm, and so did the scorned wife. Then she invites him over to sleep but he had to decline because he had work. OH IT’S LIKE THAT?!? Hey now! After they hang up, Liv’s door knob starts jiggling. She stands by and double locks it when Jake grabs her from behind and tells her not to make any noise. The door flies open, a woman with a gun drawn appears and Jake sends a bullet right through the middle of her head. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! I almost threw my laptop and I surely did scream.

In Billy’s Chamber – Huckleberry Quinn are in Billy Chambers’ apartment waiting for him to return. She’s pacing back and forth and he tells her to sit down about 5 times before she finally does it. He walks in, sees them and runs out with Huck after him.

Jake’s White Hat – Jake escorts a shaken up Liv into the Gladiator office, and they rush past Harrison and Abby into her office and close the door. He tells her she’s in danger (girl) as long as she’s smashing the homieloverpresident. He mentions B613 and it shakes her up even more. She needs to stay in the gladiator office that night to be safe. As he goes to leave, she tells him he’s saved his life so maybe she can save his but that ain’t how B613 works. Jake tells Liv that he’s in danger because he disobeyed orders, not because he slept with her. “Sleeping with you was my mission so don’t bother missing me.” Well DAMB! She tells him to close his eyes and then she kisses him all deep. Jake ain’t so bad afterall. As he leaves the OPA office, Harrison says “Ish just got real.” Ummm… YEAH!

Life is No Romance Novel – Cyrus walks in Liv’s office looking haggard and clearly unwell. He tells Liv to end this relationship with Fitz and she says she loves him and will be his first lady. A Black ops attempted assassination ain’t enough to keep Liv away from Fitz. She knows who tried it and she knows why and she doesn’t care. He goes IN on her, saying that the fairy tale Romeo & Juliet thing that OLITZ have going on is foolish, because “life is not a romance novel.”

Cyrus Romeo Scandal 1 Cyrus Romeo Scandal 2

Then he pulls the chair from under her by saying Fitz killed Verna! *faints*

Whiskey Tango Quinn - Billy Chambers is bound and gagged and Huck is standing over him with a drill. Huck walks away, saying he cannot do it and Quinn gets the drill from him. She takes the drill and giddily uses it on Billy’s lower body, asking him where the Cytron card is as blood splatters on her face. He finally admits to her that it’s in locker 864.

Billy Chambers Quinn 1 Billy Chambers Quinn 2

Counterfeit Cytron Card – Abby retrieves the card from 864 and it had nothing on it. It was a fake! She searches David’s stuff that’s left in the office and finds a notebook with numbers written and some crossed out. He tried thousands of combinations before finally getting it right all those times the gladiators weren’t in the office. Turns out that David had made a plethora of copies of the Cytron card.

Reality TV – Cyrus walks into the Oval Office with a yellow envelope because he wants to show President Ghost “reality TV.” It’s the sex tape of Jake and Olivia, and Fitz watches it with pained eyes. Cyrus just had to wreck ALL the shops that night.

David’s White Hat – Hollis asks the League of Goon to kill David when Cyrus gets a text that he’s in his office. And sure enough, he is. When Cy gets there, Rosen slides over the Cyrtron card to him but he needs a favor. Back at the Gladiator office, Liv has a box waiting for her with a recorder and a file. She presses “play” and hear David’s voice. And Billy Chambers. Turns out that Lemony wore a wire during that meeting with Billy, and their entire convo was recorded.

President Ghost then has a press conference restoring David as the U.S. attorney of the District of Columbia for finding the mole who killed the Director of the CIA and betrayed the country. He is hailed as a hero. Aawwww! All David wanted this whole time was his life not to be ruined. He did right by Olivia and the gladiators. I take back my curses for Lemony.

And to top it off, he sends Liv this FIERCE ASS white hat that gave me Mother of the Bride on Easter Sunday and Head of the Usher Board realness.

White hat 2

Looking like a smooth criminal. iLIVE! Swerve.

Baby Huck – When Huckleberry Quinn return to OPA, Quinn is going on and on excitedly about her first taste of torturing someone and Huck goes to another room and sits in a corner. He’s created a monster.

Breaking Away – Olivia shows up to the Oval Office to see President Ghost and they both find out what Cyrus told the other. Fitz says he can forgive her for sleeping with Jake but Olivia cannot tell him the same for his killing of Verna. She tells him to run for re-election with Mellie by his side because she realizes that she cannot leave her gladiators behind. She’s taken them to the edge of the cliff and they’ve did too much bad stuff. ”You are going to be my first lady.” “I can’t leave them. They need me. I’m their gladiator.”

ImTheirGladiator

Stevie Wonder’s “People” starts playing. I see what you did there, Shonda.

Reset Button – Olivia lays in bed looking relieved. Fitz goes to see Mellie and kneels in front of her with his head in her lap. Cyrus destroys the Cytron card in his office. Jake is thrown in the hole by Rowan and the B613 cats. The reset button has been hit and they can all start over. Or can they?

Liv puts on an adorable white running shirt and pulls her hair back. She puts on her headphones, steps into her elevator. She walks through her lobby tuned into her music and stretching. She opens up the door to exit and there’s press waiting. She pulls off her headphones and hears “Is it true that you’re having an affair with the President?” Someone grabs her and pulls her through the crowd. She’s pushed into a limo, and there’s a man sitting across from her. It’s Phantom Goon.

Liv looks at him and says “DAD?”

Olivia Dad Scandal Olivia Dad Scandal 2

And the episode ended. And then I DIED! DIED, I TELL YA!!! DAHD!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG SENATOR WHITLEY’S BYRON IS HER DAD!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! I AM SO DAMB UNABLE TO CAN THAT THERE’S A WORLDWIDE CAN SHORTAGE THAT CANNOT BE FIXED!!!!!!

Shonda. GAHTDAMBIT SHONDA!!! The thing is, I’m not shocked that he’s her father, actually. I had already said Phantom Goon might be Olivia’s dad. But then I thought about it was like “Nah, that’d be too easy. It’ll be too convenient for the other older, powerful man on the show to be her dad.” So I was all “nevermind.” But turns out, I shoulda listened to my gut like Liv the first time.

I just…

DEAD elevator gif

This episode. This DAMB FINALE! It has like 3 hours worth of content in them 43 minutes. Not ONE second was wasted. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND FEELINGS AND IDEAS AND THEORIES AND OHMYGAHHHHHH!!!

My Scandal theories

After the show went off, me and my girls talked it THROUGH! Here are the theories.

1. Daddy Byron wasn’t tryna kill Olivia. He sent the assassin to scare her and bring her to him because he had exhausted ALL other things that would separate her and Fitz. He finally thinks the threat of death will send her running, but Jake got to the girl with the gun first. She had her gun out, but it doesn’t mean she planned to shoot.

2. Harrison is Olivia’s brother. He knows but she doesn’t. It’s why he’s so adamant about protecting her and how he is so passionate about being a gladiator. and it’s why she always seems slightly confused about his fervor. He didn’t have on gingham in this episode because he called Daddy Goon on Liv. He also knows that the Fitz love is gonna ruin her. And like he said last week “you’re the problem.” and when liv was NOT hearing it, he felt the only way he could protect her is to go higher up. His lack of gingham was from shame and from feeling like he failed as a Gladiator. Both as a protector and as a fiercely loyal member of OPA.

3. David clearly did not give cyrus the real Cytron card. he made many replicas and he is keeping the real one in case of incasity and he needs it to save himself. Defiance will truly never die. Especially with Reston still alive. He will harbor that hate and will still try to blow the whistle somehow.

4. Mellie is in cahoots with Daddy goon. Rowan and her have ONE matching goal: to split up Liv and Fitz. They’ve collaborated to make this happen and they have different reasons for it. We know Mellie’s but we don’t know Rowan’s yet. And it was AFTER Fitz gave Mellie that READ that shit got ultra real. Why? cuz she went back to Daddy Goon and said “Well… he’s dead ass serious.” Also related: That read was AMAZING but it was stupid of Fitz to tell Mellie the plan. You do NOT show your opponent your hand. If life is a card game, Fitz just showed that he had the Little Joker. Mellie got the Big Joker.

5. Jake WAS sent to sleep with Olivia. That was part of his mission. They wanted him to be the person who breaks up Liv and Fitz and he came slightly close but failed. Which goes back to Daddy Goon REALLY trying all the tricks he could think of to break up OLITZ and each failed. The assassin scare was truly a last resort. Finally, when that didn’t work, he leaked her name to the media (which Cyrus was too chicken to do).

6. I have two theories here, since Daddy Goon is Head Goon In Charge of B613.

6a. B613 folks are trained to know and think that they have no families. Olivia thought her dad has been dead all these years. So that “Dad?” at the end was a mixture of “You’re alive?” and “you’re behind all this??”

HOWEVER, I think I am my 2nd theory is more likely.

6b. Olivia knows that her dad is the head of B613, because when he joined, they told him to pick the Ops or his family. And he picked the ops, therefore giving up his entire family. And she’s carried this hurt with her all her life and has accepted that she doesn’t have a dad. And NEVER expected to see him ever again. But since he’s B613 head goon in charge, she called in a favor with him to allow Huck to live normal. Like when Charlie said “I want the same deal Huck has” and Huck was like “what deal?” Seems Liv might have called dear old dad for Huck. Also, remember how she gave Harrison the brown and the black folders and said the black one was only supposed to be a last resort? Well, I BET that black folder had Daddy Goon’s name in it.

WHOOOOO!!! I am SPENT! My soul is WEARY! And I just need a nap and a tranquilizer. Scandal wan kill me o! I am not ready for these 4 months!

My Body is NOT ready gif

So yes. Let us discuss. What do y’all think happened? Why is Daddy Phantom Goon so invested in making sure Liv and Fitz don’t end up together. Gladiators, ROAR IN THE COMMENTS!

P.S. If you played Scandal Bingo during the show, upload a picture of your filled in cards to the Awesomely Luvvie Facebook fan page!

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Two GIFS That Just Ruined My Childhood

http://awesomelyluvvie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Jerry-Ruined.gif

There’s a Tumblr called Ruined Childhood and it lives up to its name. It takes a look back at our favorite movies and TV shows from days past, showing us the trifling things that were stuck in there. Things our little innocent minds didn’t comprehend, but thought were funny for other cute reasons.

One of my favorite shows growing up was Tom & Jerry. LOVED that cartoon and the endless cat and mouse fighting. Tom’s whole point in life was to eat Jerry. Yes, it was violent and racist (remember the mammy with the slouchy socks?) but we watched it and it brought us good cheer. What can I say? We didn’t know better.

Anywho, the Ruined Childhood did exactly that when the following two gifs were posted on the site:

Jerry Ruined Jerry Ruined2

Jerry licked some white stuff off long brown thing with a hole in the middle. And then the brown thing exploded and white oozy stuff came out, covering Jerry up.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*cries tears for my lost youth*

*wall slides*

If you need me, I’ll be over here rocking BAGGINFOAF because I can’t unsee this. Those damb cartoonists had NO chill whatsoever. Why must they do this to me?!?

The moral of this story is: childhood is a sham. Childhood is a bunch of adult inside jokes. I need to stay off Ruined Childhood.

So were you traumatized by this too or was it just me?

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