A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.
They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.
Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, ?Youâ??ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!?
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.
After feeling about the snakeâ??s body for a few minutes, he asserted,
?Well, youâ??re scaly, youâ??re slimy, youâ??ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youâ??ve got a forked tongue.
I think youâ??re a lawyer!?
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
?Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ?
Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, ?I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson?.
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!
Went to the men?s room in the Schiphol Airport (Netherlands) when we got to Amsterdam, I saw the fly and didn?t think much about it. Now I know why it was there!
Who says you can?t potty train a man?
The Captain of a Canadian Ship in Esquimalt was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was ?work? and how much of it was ?pleasure?? The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Lieutenant (N) said it was 50-50%. The Captain?s Aide, a Sub Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Lieutenant turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, ?Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.?
The Lieutenant was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?!?
?Well, Sir,? began the Leading Seaman, ?if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.?
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Canadian Navy.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ?Nurse?, he mumbles almost incoherently, from behind the mask. ?Are my testicles black??
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ?I don?t know, Sir. I?m only here to wash your upper body and feet.? He struggles to ask again, ?Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black??
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There?s nothing wrong with them, Sir!?
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
?Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely??.
A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town?s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
?Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn?t you like to give back to the community in some way??
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, ?First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income??
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, ?Um ? no.?
The lawyer interrupts, ?or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair??
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. ?or that my sister?s husband died in a traffic accident,? the lawyer?s voice rising in indignation, ?leaving her penniless with three children?!?
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, ?I had no idea??
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, ?So if I don?t give any money to them, why should I give any to you??
A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -
it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl?s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, ?Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave??
?Of course not, dear,? replied the mother, ?Why would you think that??
?The tombstone back there said?
?Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.??
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.
?Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Theirs were still sticking out of the ground.?
To give you an idea of the kind of season we?ve had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.